Vampire, the Dark Humor

Hi, your little bloodsucker-babies.

Today I bring you some fun… The text bellow it’s about Vampire: The Masquerade ((c) WhiteWolf) Role Play Game. The text does not belong to me! I just translated it and I don’t know who it! I found on Feirarpg’s forum!

SORRY FOR BAD TRANSLATION! I hope it’s not THAT bad… I also hope you enjoy it… AND LAUGH OUT LOUD, just like I did, bloody-fangs.

And once again the antediluvians are together in a dark room to look for answers and to explain their origin…

Venture: Ok guys, sit down please. I suppose you’re thinking about the reason you were called.

Toreador: Yes, I think so. I have a meeting in two hours. And I just CAN’T be late.

Ventrue: Right, right. Order! I don’t know about you, but my children are asking me… Er… Too much. Some kind of… Compelling… Questions…

Malkav: Oh well, just tell them that when daddy and mommy love each other…

Ventrue: Shut Up, Malkav!! Anyway… They wanna know from where they came… And how everything happened. I think it’s time to give them some answers.


Brujah: Why are you asking us this shit? We don’t know this damn things!


Brujah: Sorry.

Ventrue: And how about you, Absimilliard? You’re the guy who always knows everything…

Nosferatu: No, I…. I don’t want to be called “Absimilliard” again! Today is the day that I name myself “Nosferatu”.


Ravnos: I don’t know, man… Absimilliard just… Looks like your pretty face.

Nosferatu: NO! I refuse this name!!

Ventrue: Leave him alone, Ravnos.

Toreador: Talking about that…

Ventrue: What’s up now..?

Toreador: I choose the pseudonym “Toreador”.

[And more silence.]

Assamite: You NEVER saw a tour! You Never FOUGHT against one, Arikel!

Toreador: Leave me, Haqin.

Assamite: In this case, I choose the name of “Assamite”!

Ravnos: I was going to say “something full of..” Oh, forget it.

Ventrue: Can we keep talking about the answers?

Lasombra: I think “Nosferatu” is a good name, Absimilliard.

Nosferatu: Yeah, it’s easy to pronounce. We don’t need to retract your fangs.



Venture: Ok, any ideas?

Tzimisce: Hm….

Ventrue: Yes, Tzim?

Tzimisce: You don’t think this can be some kind of sickness, may be…?

Saulot: No…. It’s not.

Malkav: Yay! I have an idea!

Ventrue: And what is it…?

Malkav: yaaaaay! Yay! We… ALL… We are ALL… From the… PLANET YUGGOTH!

Brujah: Malkav?

Malkav: Yeah…?

Brujah: DIE!!!


Malkav: It’s not AMAZING…? You don’t have Dominate!

Brujah: True men don’t need that shit…

[Hits on the table.]

Malkav: Ohhh..!

Ravnos: Ok, I got it.

Ventrue: Yes…?

Ravnos: They are no real vampires. They just think they are.

Ventrue: Ok, then all of them will try to prove you’re wrong. And they will go to see the beautiful sunrise.

Lasombra: And…? Let them die! The idiots… Less problems to me, this noisy children… Asking this sick questions…

Toreador: Pervert.

Lasombra: Hm..? Am I not the guardian of your brothers?

Tzimisce: Yeah, this is trrrrrue, my frrrrriend.

Toreador: Sick.


Saulor: The guardian of the brothers… Wait! This made me remember something… You know this guys with funny towels in theyre heads.

Assamite: Be CAREFULL with that, the eyes.

Saulot: Sorry. Anyway, they have this old history about a man that killed his brother and was cursed, then…

Set: Cursssssssed? Hmmm… I liked it!

Nosferatu: Yes, but if YOU say that, no one will NEVER believe.

Tremere: I know. We did it with magic.


Brujah: WHO the hell are you…?

Tremere: Oh…! Tremere, the arrogant mage! At your service.

Saulot: Wait… You shouldn’t be here ’till 1314 b.C.

Tremere: And? I’m an Oraculum of Time. I can be wherever I want.

Ventrue: A mortal, hm? Hey, Tremere!

Ventrue: Yes…?

Ventrue: Get out.

Tremere: Hm..? Ah right… [grumblings] Damn… I need to learn how to do that.

Ventrue: Ok, now… We can be someone with this ‘curse’ or… Wait, gangrel you didn’t say anything… What you think?


Ventrue: Gangrel?

[More silence.]

Ventrue: Someone know where she is?

Ravnos: Ah… These days… We had a lot of disagreements.

Malkav: Ann… Mommy doesn’t want you anymore?

Ravnos: Go to hell!

Malkav: She do it in the doggy way?


Ravnos: Thank you, Brujah.

Brujah: No problem.

Ventrue: Ok, then… What should we do with this ‘curse’…?

Saulot: Well, they say that the two children of the firs man had to guve some offers to God. The first son gave Him plants and vegetables… The second gave Him animal blood.

All: Yeah! Looks cool! Nice!

Saulot: So… The oldest, Cain, I guess… Killed Abel, the youngest, and was cursed by God for the first murdering.

Assamite: Yeah, very creative, this Cain.

Set: SSSSSSSooooo… We dec(sssss)end from a pssssssycho greengrocer…? What’sssss the problem with dec(sssssss)ending from the murdered?? Ssssssso we would be the choosen onessssss… God choose ussss! The powersss from the DEVINE POWERSSSSSS….

Malkav: You have a complex of God, don’t you Set? Tell me about your mother… She locked you up in a wardrobe or…


Brujah: Last warning.

Ventrue: Set, please… Don’t sant up on your chair.

Tremere: i liked the “cursed by God” thing, really.

Ventrue: How did you get there?

Tremere: Mail. You don’t know everything. Hey Saulot!

Saulot: Yes?

Tremere: I was thinking… Haven’t we met before? Can we talk a second outside? Will not take your time!

Saulor: Course. You look like a decent man.

[The door closes]

Lasombra: I’m thinking what he wants…

Toreador: I guess I prefer the oldest brother. He’s impressive! The figure that sacrifices himself to his Lord, and is consumed by the envy, in an act of despair he kills his own brother! And later he repents himself, TOO LATE to avoid the cruel judgment from a God who has NO MERCY and he is CONDEMNED to walk around through the Earth, away from his comrades and OH HORROR! HORROR! The HUMANITY! The ANGST!!!

Brujah: What’s “angst”?

Set: It’sssssss a kind of crossssssss, but with a c(ssss)ircle on the top. My people love thissss…

Brujah: Ah… [Pause.]… I don’t got it…

Toreador: FILISTEUS.


Tzimisce: What the hell was that?

Nosferatu: It’s Saulot’s voice. Hey Shut up outside!

[The door onpens]

Tremere: Oh… I am sorr… Ah… Saulot said that him… ah… He had to leave! Fast… Really fast… Like… Ahh… Well he waws very happy! And… Would be happier… if… If he could talk to you again… Later…

Nosferatu: It’s me or he looks pale…?

Ventrue: Who cares? Back to the curse….

Lasombra: Well, we are HIS children? If we are, how we couldn’t just don’t know where he is?

Malkav: Er… He made us… And ran away… Too fast.

Ravnos: No, no no….. He made some other guys… And THEY made us….

Toreador: And he, repentant of the horror he spread all over the earth, banned himself!

Malkav: And ran away REALLY fast!

Toreador: If you’re saying….

Ventrue: And why are we so different?

Toreador: The curse works in strange ways…

Nosferatu: Yes! I used to be the most beautiful man on earth….

Ravnos: Yes, of course.

Lasombra: And I had a reflex!

Brujah: Can I be a philosopher?

Ravnos: And Toreador used to have a good taste for good things.

Malkav: And I used to be insane!


Ventrue: I guess we could be… Ah… We are abusing the luck.

Set: Any better idea…?

Ventrue: No. Well… Let’s vote. Magic?

Tremere: Yes!

Ventrue: One.


Venture: Ok… Alliens from the Yuggoth planet?

Malkav: Twenty Three!

Ventrue: Your other personalities do not count, Malkav…

Malkav: Ahhhh….

Ventrue: The choosen by God… Set… Lasombra… Tzim… Anyone eles?

Assamite: Me!

Ventrue: Ok, four… Cursed children of a psycho greengrocer? Four… And me, five.


Lasombra: Influencing the vote! Bureaucrat!

Ventrue: If you don’t like, make your own group.

Lasombra: Yes, maybe I’ll do that.

Ventrue: Ok, so… You need to spread this information to your childrens… And I send you notes three times in a month till the begining of the next year. [murmurs] Ok, someone needs to drink?

Malkav: Tremere had already…


Tzimisce: Why you threw him through the window, Brujah?

Brujah: I don’t know, man.. It’s something I just needed to do… [Sigh.] You don’t understand me…

Assamite: [whispering] Hey, Tremere!

Tremere: What?

Assamite: Saulot… You did it, didn’t you? You drank his blood…

Tremere: Yes… Why…?


Assamite: How was it…?


  • Q: What does a baby bat say before going to bed?
    A: Turn on the dark. I’m afraid of the light!
  • Q: What is Transylvania?
    A: Dracula’s terror-tory
  • Q: What does Dracula say when introduced to someone?
    A: “Hello, pleased to eat you!”
  • Q: Which building does Dracula visit in New York?
    A: The Vampire State Building.


2 Responses to “Vampire, the Dark Humor”

  1. enrique Says:

    ok I read your page but, if you like crepusculo you are a girl or emo jajajaja! bye

    • Deathcoke Says:

      Yes baby, I am a girl, and if you didn’t get it, I REALLY don’t like Twilight. Thanks.

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